Further Confessions of a Happy Single Person

Everyone wants you to be happy. That's their line. "If it makes you happy." Especially if you are single, your happiness is everyone else's business. People will tell you what to wear, what to post on Facebook, and even where to live, because you are single, and clearly, there is no way you are happy in your current state. You need all this advice to get you married off, because you are obviously not going to be happy until you do.
I challenge this theory. I am single, and I am pretty happy. Obviously, I want to get married, but marriage is not the secret to life’s happiness. Someone else cannot make you happy. Only YOU can. Yes, your spouse will complete you. But if you ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.
I do volunteer work for an organization called Heart Mind and Soul which, among other things, encourages Jewish teens to realize their own potential. One thing we try to instill in the teens is that they have their own unique abilities, strengths, and talents, and that just by being themselves, they are powerful people and can achieve anything. I wonder, if I told these same kids, and by the way, you actually aren’t okay and will never be okay or amount to anything until you get married. What would that teach them? What are we telling people when we say, you will never be okay as a single person?
There is a lot of pressure in our society to get married. It starts at around 18 and doesn’t stop until we walk down that aisle. Everyone laments the “shidduch crisis” and tells us that basically, we are pitiable and unfortunate until we get married. The younger generation then panics. Are they doomed to be just as pathetic? This unreasonable pressure creates a cycle of low self-esteem, a rush to get married, and often results in broken engagements or divorces because of this desperation. We as a society have created a fear of singlehood instead of using it as a means to better ourselves for the partner we will hopefully one day have.
I have learned a lot in the last ten years living on my own. I have learned how to balance a checkbook. Walk into a room where I know nobody and leave with invitations to four different families for Shabbos. I have learned how to drive, change a flat tire, negotiate a lease, make sushi, and how to teach. Maybe I would have learned these things from my husband if I had gotten married a few years ago. But there is something incredibly rewarding about having learned these things on my own. There is great value in the things I have learned and taught myself. From hosting a Shabbat meal for twenty to checking the oil in my car to teaching a room full of high school students about Shabbos, these will make me a better wife and mother when I finally do get married.
I want to get married. But until I do find that person, I will not sit around being bitter and depressed. Because the kind of person that I want to spend the rest of my life with is not looking for a sad and mopey person.


At the end of the day, I am happy that I am working on making myself a better person—the person who will eventually merit the partner I am looking for. He will not “make” me happy, but he will benefit from me being a happy person.
If we could take a step back from generating a greater crisis and instill in people to learn how to be happy with themselves first, it would create a revolution. Instead of advising singles to settle, to move, or to wear lipstick, we would have people growing and learning what makes them truly content. Happy people would be looking for other happy people. Valuing themselves enough to find the partner worthy of them. Imagine if we could teach that to our kids. Crisis averted. Happiness established.

My Grandma a"h

There are three kinds of people in this world. There are the “glass half-empty” people. They walk around complaining about how they got the short end of the stick, how life is unfair, and how everything is pretty much miserable. Then there are the “glass half-full” folks. They are all happy and see that their lives are full of goodness. Most people fall into these two categories. But there is that third group, full of rare individuals, who acknowledge that while they might have shortcomings or obstacles to overcome, they are still blessed. These are the people who are just happy to have a glass.

My grandmother was one of these people. Despite a life of pain, she was always upbeat and positive. Her eye troubled her terribly for over 20 years, and when asked how she was, she would say, “the eye is the eye,” and move on to all her blessings—her beautiful children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. No matter where she lived, she made a home. She spread her unconditional love to anyone who had the good fortune to cross her path, and never spoke a bad word about anyone. She had her glass, and she was grateful for it.

My grandmother taught me many things—how to sew, how to tie my shoes, how to swim. But most of all, she taught be how to be awesome despite everything. That no matter what was poured into your glass, and no matter how much, each and every thing was beautiful and worth loving. That just by being who you are, you are fabulous. And of all the lessons she taught me, I hope to continue learning this one the most.